Streaming Drivel

An actual email thread with a friend

2011-06-13T21:56:00.001-04:00

This is an actual email thread that took place earlier today. Yes, this is what my life has come to. Read for your own entertainment. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

From: The Todd

So I went to xxxx's dr today to have an analysis done on my babymaking capabilities. I don't know if you ever did this, but it involved stepping into a bathroom that contained sterile receptacles, detailed written instructions, moist towelettes, and a magazine selection. The selection? 2 Playboys, 4 Penthouse, 1 "Pepper" (sistas), and 1 New Yorker. And here I thought I was the only one who pleasured themselves to the work of Mike Twohy.

Darth to The Todd

show details 1:36 PM (7 hours ago)

Never been through this, but I wouldn't need an excuse to go. I wish I could be paid to do that.

WTF is with the New Yorker? Is this for gay guys or just bored onlookers?

I hope you took the copy of Pepper home with you and said "If you would only be more like this -- and point at page 38.

I am no sperm doctor, but I bet it's not that you have lazy sperm. It's that you are so smart that you have taken all their intelligence and you have really dumb sperm. Go to Borders and get a copy of Where Did I Come From. Go home, close the doors and pull off your pants. Now read the book to your unit a few times, emphasizing key points. It also helps if you train them a bit like the old guy did in rocky -- maybe have them chase chickens or something. Either way, your new enhanced sperm will be out there breaking eggs and shit in no time.

I just got home from another trip to the ER. Had more bleeding and the Dr. was afraid I was starting kidney failure. Total false alarm and I had a choice of going back to work or going home and relaxing. I went home.

If you continue to have procreation issues, we can always work out a timeshare with Gina. She's a great kid with low miles and a number of options.

Another thought.. Have you tried an incentive plan for your boys? This is wildly successful with car makers and sales people.Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: Darth Roker

Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 13:36:20 -0500

To: The Todd

Subject: Re: TMI

Excellent idea. Actually, we have no idea whether my boys need incentivizing or not - xxxx just decided that now that she's 38, she doesn't have time to waste on trying the old-fashioned way. She wants to know what we're dealing with and how best to make this work ASAP. Whatever, I'm just here for the free Penthouse spread (not bad at all). Pepper was a letdown - total skanks, and the only attractive one was in a "couples" spread with a guy who looked like Snoop. The New Yorker was hotter.

Glad your alarm was false. All I want to do this afternoon is sit outside and drink beer. A repeat of Saturday, as it were.

From: Darth Roker
Sent: Monday, June 13, 2011 3:01 PM
To: The Todd
Subject: Re: TMI

You could also have a little egg on a stick that the boys are taught to chase -- like dog racing has.

I hear her concerns. Just be weary of fertility docs -- I know 3 couples that used the down here. 2 had triplets, the other was supposed to have triplets, but ended up with twins -- they figure the other two ganged up and ate the third.

I am sure all will be fine.

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: The Todd

Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 15:04:27 -0400

To: Darth Roker

Subject: RE: TMI

Excuse me, nurse, the magazines aren't working for me. Do you have any Boys Life or Highlights?

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: The Todd

Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 15:04:27 -0400

To: Darth Roker

Subject: RE: TMI

No? How about Cricket? Ranger Rick? WTF is wrong with you people?

From: Darth Roker

Sent: Monday, June 13, 2011 3:13 PM

Exactly. These places just don't get the modern man.

Nurse, I missed the cup... Again. Should I just get that sample off the book case and call it good, or should I get another beaker and a copy of Rachel Rays new magazine?

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: The Todd

Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 15:16:11 -0400

Rofl, rofl.

"Redbook? Not anymore!"

From: Darth Roker

Sent: Monday, June 13, 2011 3:20 PM

It is real easy for women to say go get your junk checked. But have you watched Maury? None of the men on that show had any problems. I think its a ploy and that women need to spend more time working on their stuff to make certain there aren't impediments for the swimmers -- you know, old missing french fries, candy bar wrappers, missing socks, etc. Not saying this is a problem your lady is having, but odds are there are women walking around that have turned their speedways into speed traps.

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: The Todd

Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 16:06:39 -0400

I'm putting money on a Topsy Tail and an AOL CD-ROM getting in the way.

From:Darth Roker

Sent: Monday, June 13, 2011 4:40 PM

Exactly. It's nothing a pressure sprayer, a rake, and a little 409 can't fix, yet women are all like "this is a finely tuned engine and shit. You need to take that thing in for some target practice and a checkup."

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: Darth Roker

Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 16:42:40 -0400

This may be the single greatest conversation on reproduction to ever take place.OBGYNs, prospective parents and black standup comedians should be forced to read it.

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: The Todd

Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 16:42:40 -0400

Dr. Oz and Bruce Bruce should do a PSA about it.

From: Darth Roker

Sent: Monday, June 13, 2011 4:47 PM

Its the only natural conclusion one could make from looking at the facts.Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

2010-02-28T21:54:00.002-05:00

A few years ago on the Acela I was waiting to take a leak and the bathroom nearest my seat was occupied. After a few minutes, the door unlocked and then-Senator Joe Biden emerged. When I entered the facility after his departure, I was immediately hit with, quite literally, the smelliest post-dump odor I have EVER experienced. It was so wretched that I was forced to immediately turn and exit and move to the bathroom in the next car, walking past Biden and his staffer on the way. He looked up at me, and I'm quite sure he knew his stink had forced me out.

This is a brief excerpt from Deadspin's Letters to the Editor. Enjoy.

Papa John's Car Impounded by KY Health Inspector

2010-01-10T20:37:00.003-05:00

In 1984 John Schnatter sold his pride and joy for $1,600 to fund his new pizza business. That business, Papa John’s Pizza has grown into 3,400 stores across America. Papa John wanted the source of his seed money back in his garage and paid $250,000 to get it.

Schnatter was so proud of his car that he has been using it in Papa John's commercials, in which he uses the cars to deliver pizzas. Unfortunately for Schnatter, while delivering a pizza for one of his TV commercials, Papa John's car was inspected by a local health inspector. During the inspection, 25 year-old condoms, semen stains, and cans of Keystone Light were found, forcing the health inspector to impound the car. Schnatter is on record as saying he will collect he car and give it a through cleaning. If I were you, I wouldn't order a pizza from Papa John's with "everything" for a while.

Wow -- this lady is amazing...

2010-01-08T14:20:00.002-05:00

Leslie has my favorite web site of all time. I suggest you take a few hours and explore. I would recommend that you click on her wedding packages... here. Already married? Perhaps you might like some of her home made spandex.

This woman can do anything!

A Two and a Half Men Replacement?

2010-01-07T08:18:00.002-05:00

I think the acting and script are more believable.

Wow -- this guy is amazing...

2009-12-20T17:43:00.001-05:00

In the spirit of the season...

2009-12-20T17:41:00.001-05:00

Have a safe and happy one...

Enjoy

2009-12-05T15:26:00.000-05:00

So People Are Always Asking Me...

2009-10-16T20:15:00.003-04:00

Why didn't you marry Kelly? Was she bad in bed? Was it true that she had a mangina? Here is why I didn't marry Kelly.

Probably fake or one of my neighbors

2009-10-09T13:45:00.000-04:00

Night Ranger & Journey 8.19.09: Random Thoughts

2009-09-20T14:03:00.001-04:00

Well, it was bound to happen, Night Ranger, touring on their "Check Your Cholesterol" concert tour targeted at 45 year-old male custodians and Journey and their current tour, sponsored by Lane Bryant, have combined for a joint tour and Friday night I was right there, in the thick of it, and I do mean THICK of it.

I'll be the first to say that I am no where near the weight I was when I first saw these bands in high school, but just looking at the enormous people in attendance made me feel like I had room to put on another 50 lbs of so. If I didn't know what the purpose of the event was, I would have sworn I was at the world's largest Jenny Craig rally. I have never seen so many XXXL Journey shirts in my life. To be honest, if I were a guy with a fetish for large women, this would have been numero uno on my list. Maybe these women are trading in their donuts for the sugary sweet melodies of journey -- whatever the case; Journey needs to start selling their CDs in plus sized women's stores.

I honestly can't remember the last time I was at a concert and saw as many children as I did at this show. Appearntly, the cost of tickets and therapy for children in Greensboro is cheaper than the cost of a baby sitter. Why the need for therapy? How many large women clad in spandex and t-shirts modified to show every inch of their cleavage do your want your 9 year-old seeing? More importantly, it's been clinically proven that 9 Journey songs in a row will begin to stunt mental development in children.

The Venue
From what I heard from the two bands, the Greensboro Coliseum may have the worst acoustics of any place I have ever experienced a concert at. It seemed that at times when the music got a bit complex, things got lost in a wall of noise. After about 3 songs it seemed Night Ranger dropped some of their keyboard lines, which really cleaned their sound up. Journey had no such luck. Their songs had a lot of keyboard in them and the venue didn't like to let go of that sound.

Night Ranger
Put on the same show they have for the last 25 years. Lots of running around and hamming it up for the crowd. I kinda wish Jack Blades would drop the shtick and just play more music. A couple of nice surprises in that they played a few covers that blended into their songs -- Nazareth -- Now Your Messing With a Son of a Bitch, Beatles -- Hey Jude, Judas Priest -- Living After Midnight. Unfortunately, they also trotted out some songs like Secret of My Success (which really wasn't much of a success) that they really could have done without.

At one time, Jack Blades yelled out to the crowd of 11,000, "How many of you have seen Night Ranger before," about 1,000 people raised their hands. He then asked "how many of you have seen Journey before "about 10,500 people raised their hands.

Throughout the NR portion of the show the crowd sat in their seats eating over sized pretzels and drinking Mountain Dew. Sure, there were some 45 year-old cougar/trophy wives dancing, singing along and acting like they were in the prime of their sorority lives, but their exuberance was more than balanced by their 70 year-old husbands that looked like they would rather be at home watching Becker. I have never seen so many sport coats and Bermuda shorts at a rock concert.

When they got to When You Close Your Eyes, Don't Tell Me You Love Me, Sister Christian, and You Can Still Rock in America, you could hear the crowd say in unison, "I didn't know they played that" over the music. Some even put their nachos and margaritas down to clap.

Journey
Let me first start by making a few things clear. I know that Neal Schon is a very talented guitarist. I know that in theory, Ross Valory and Jonathan Cain are "rock legends." Arnel Pineda sounds just like Steve Peary and Deen Castronovo is an accomplished -- yet cheesy drummer.

All that said, I have never seen a more arrogant, self-indulgent set in my life. After the second song Schon launched into a 5 minute guitar solo, the SECOND SONG. It was a nice solo and one that he probably didn't need to do as after a while it became painfully obvious that it was a compilation of all the solos he would be playing that night.

Arnel Pineda
Has the all the stage presence of deranged muppet on uppers. He is so small that he would get lost on stage and had to stand on monitors to be seen. After the third song he left the stage and the drummer sang for him. I don't know why. He came back on stage and said something about living in Manilla, and then broke into that song from Vision Quest. Which got me thinking about Mathew Modine and all those rumors that he went nuts and all the stuff that was pulled out of his rectum.

Ross Valory
I think he was wheeled onto the stage on a dolly and never moved from that space. If the phrase "you are what you eat" is true, someone has been eating Vincent Price's corpse and prunes.

Jonathan Cain
After 4 songs Mr. Cain said "welcome to my show," and preceded to murmur about something he thought was funny. Not one of the 11,000 people in attendance laughed. He needs to change his name to Johnny Vegas. I think he tried to lick his eyebrows on two occasions. Cain is best for writing Open Arms and all those other songs that sound like Open Arms. More importantly, he is the last known person on the face of the earth sporting a soul patch.

Neal Schon
Once again, he is a hell of a guitarist, but after about 4 songs it is apparent what is going on here, he loves to hear himself play the same thing over and over again. Since he can't tour under the name of "Neal Schon Plays the Same Fucking thing 20 Times in a Row," as nobody would pay, he has put the band back together so he could strut around the stage looking like what would happen if Andrew Dice Clay and Fanzine mated and the resulting creature learned how to play arpeggios while smugly steering at the camera. Key Note: According to the bio on the official Journey web site, in his younger years, Neal played the oboe, making him the only male to ever do so and make it past the age of 16.

Deen Castronovo
I will leave him out of this as he is about as much in this band as I am. I actually feel kinda sorry for him. I think he was in Bad English with Cain, Schon, and John Waite. I don't know if that is relevant here, it's a fact I know about him so I share it with you. Do with it what you will. It's free, so don't bitch about it, OK?

Overall
We went to see Night Ranger and weren't disappointed. We left after about 7 Journey songs. Why? Because after 3, they all sound the same. I had never listened to that much Journey without having roller skates on and having some guy shouting "couples skate is next."

At this point Night Ranger still is fun to see, but they need to be in smaller venues that they can fill with people that actually know who the hell they are. The resulting sing-along, would make the event more enjoyable. I think I saw them at a bar named Joe's in Chicago -- it was great. They will be playing my basement next week. It should have enough room for all their remaining fans.

Journey should only be allowed to play in outdoor venues like Ravinia or places that rent roller skates. On second thought, they just should get a gig with a casino in Vegas. It would be perfect for them. Most of their fans are already there. Nobody would have to admit they went to see Journey in concert because "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas," and more importantly, Neal Schon would be able to eat for free at all the buffets in town. There is one flaw in this logic as I don't know if their incredibly large fans would like the heat of Nevada. It may just make more sense if they play Jenny Craig reunion events.

Why I love Yahoo! Answers

2009-08-30T16:39:00.002-04:00

It gives me a place to get help from others. More importantly, it lets me know what the fuck a 79 at WoW is.

I have been flying a lot lately

2009-08-13T08:13:00.002-04:00

And while I like the concept of added security, I sometimes think they are looking at the wrong people. I don't have a lot of security type training, but to me, the shifty looking guy with a headpiece that smells like napalm and is carrying a ticking gym bag is a better person to check than let's say me, my laptop and iPod. Once again, I am not a security expert.

I would love to blog right now,

2009-08-07T14:53:00.000-04:00

But I am way too busy working on a career in model rocketry.

The film Hollywood is too afraid to make

2009-07-29T21:29:00.001-04:00

The only way this gets better is if I can be cast as a villain that is killed by the toupe.

Do you still have an embarrasing hymen?

2009-07-26T20:11:00.002-04:00

Are you 16, 17, 18, years or older? Do you still have that embarasing hymen that screams to the world "nobody wants me?" I can help. I am Vince Slater, HRS (Hymen Removal Specialist).

Just a few minutes with me can change your life in ways you won't imagine. Your boyfriend will think of you differently. You will feel a new level of self awareness, and most of all, that badge of honor between your legs will be gone, and you will be just like the rest of me.

So give me a call. Let me show why Vince Slater, HRS needs to operate.

If I Had an Asian School Girl

2009-07-24T14:56:00.003-04:00

I certainly wouldn't do whatever the hell is being portrayed above. I can't begin to figure out what the guy in the yellow costume is all about, let alone what the dude in the short sleeve tux is up to.

Let me chew on this a while, have a few drinks and get back to you. In the meantime, if you know what they are up to, shoot me a message.

Ladies and gents, I have hired myself a spokesperson

2009-07-23T21:32:00.000-04:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

If the Video Professor were to do videos like this, he would be rich.

2009-07-22T20:47:00.001-04:00

I would like to share my favorite music video with you.

2009-07-22T20:41:00.001-04:00

Of course, I am in it. All you need to do is find me.

I had a dream, I had an awesome dream

2009-07-20T19:59:00.002-04:00

MC Hammer Vader Busts a Move - Watch more Funny Videos

My Time in Pawjob

2009-07-20T19:28:00.002-04:00

After rocking the world in Complete, I moved onto PawJob, where I did background vocals and lead guitar. We did a lot of covers. We had a gig at Heritage Fest fall through due to finances. Those were the salad days.

I should just rename this site "Bands I Rock In"

2009-07-20T19:24:00.001-04:00

A few years back I went by the stage name "Sparky" and wrote a song named Hoogie Boogie Land. It was an instant underground classic. Unfortunately, the band was really driven by the lead singer, who went on to front something called Nickelback. Without him the band floundered.

WARNING: BE PREPARED TO BE ROCKED.

2009-07-14T20:34:00.002-04:00

So, a lot of people ask me, "Darth, what do you do for fun?" Well, I am in a band. There you have it. I am the guy on the right.

If

2009-07-08T07:17:00.000-04:00

This is beyond beautiful and so timely.

For the last time I am not the Hamburger Helper mascot

2009-07-07T21:30:00.003-04:00

Yes, this is actually a "home made shrine" to the moon walking savior from Gary, IN, Michael Jackson. I honestly don't know what is scarier, the personal life this guy lived, or the way this freak is worshiped by millions of people.

I am stunned by the news coverage, it's almost as if CNN has become the Jackson Channel. Please say this is going to stop.

Joyce Dewitt Continues to Prove Them Wrong!

2009-07-07T07:20:00.003-04:00

She can still get arrested in Hollywood!

FWIW, at 60, she can still come and knock at my door anytime!

Should I put Anderson down for a King Leisure at a Pittsburgh Hotel?

2009-07-06T20:42:00.001-04:00

Happy Belated Birfday USA!

2009-07-06T20:33:00.001-04:00

This is how you do it.

The World Needs More Darth!

2009-06-29T19:39:00.004-04:00

That's what I have been hearing over the last few days. Ed McMahon is dead, where is Darth? Farrah's dead, where is Darth? Michael is dead, where is Darth? Fred Travalena is dead.

Here is Darth.

I know how you feel, the world wasn't right without all of us. Luckily, I can come out of my self-imposed retirement, these other greats can't.

I don't really have much to say other than I have really enjoyed my time away from the feeling that I have to write something of interest. It's very easy for me to be uninteresting. If I could be paid for it, I would make a career of it. I am a lot like the 4th Jonas brother, Todd. You know he is around, but you just don't know what he is up to, but he is around somewhere, drinking your beer.

The one thing I feel I need to say is that I don't want to hear anymore crap about separating Michael Jackson the entertainer from Michael Jackson the man. The fact that this person could dance backwards and wrote a number of #1 songs, doesn't make fondling little boys OK. You can't cut him in half and put the entertainer on stage and the pedophile in jail. The guy may have been talented, but he was a freaking mess. Please stop canonizing him and remember him as he should be, a talented man with a disgusting illness that bought his way out of jail. More importantly, Lord knows what he did to that poor little monkey.

Having said that, I am going to go flip on the VCR and watch some of Fred Travalena's greatest bloopers. That Angie Dickinson bit he does is rich.

While I am away...

2009-04-06T20:46:00.002-04:00

Visit this place.

I got nothing

2009-03-31T08:11:00.002-04:00

Maybe it's just a temporary blip. Maybe it's a permanent block. Either way, it's been a while since I had something worthy of sharing with the outside world through this site. I wrote down five ideas the other night and came back to them this morning and thought "what the hell was I thinking?"

Maybe some time off, a good woman, and some tequila will change this. Maybe that sounds too much like a Buffet song. Either way, it could be a while before you see something new here.

My daughter will never have to watch Mr. Rogers

2009-03-27T16:41:00.000-04:00

I have seen the future of video

2009-03-26T20:54:00.000-04:00

And it is books.

So I met a redneck trekkie today.

2009-03-23T20:44:00.000-04:00

And now a little pick me up

2009-03-23T20:39:00.001-04:00

Ms. DuPage County Fair?

2009-03-20T10:51:00.002-04:00

Hey, We Saw Your Mom During Spring Break - watch more funny videos

I remember when Jenna Thornton was Ms. DuPage County Fair. For some reason I remember her being fairly attractive. Somehow the footage I am seeing of last year's contest doesn't quite live up to my memories.

It's almost NFL Draft Time!

2009-03-19T12:28:00.003-04:00

And who better to address the draft than (not) Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay?

I think fine art is making a come back.

2009-03-12T20:54:00.004-04:00

If ever there was a painting that begged to be hung over my fireplace, or in the Louvre, this is it. The only thing that could make it better is if Higgins from Magnum P.I. were dousing the Pandas in Soy Sauce.

Welcome to Imaginos Thursday

2009-03-12T12:50:00.003-04:00

It's not every song/album that gets a day here on Streaming Drivel and with good reason. Few songs have the thought behind them that Imaginos does. Thank God. More importantly, most songs aren't nearly as cool when blared out the windows of an '89 IROC.

Click Here for a taste of the Song

Read below to read the story of Imaginos.

The principal story begins in August 1804, with the birth of a "modified child" called Imaginos, in the state of New Hampshire. Because of the astrological significance of the place and time of his birth, Imaginos comes to be of particular interest to Les Invisibles, who begin investing him with superhuman abilities while he is young. Unaware of his true destiny or nature, the young Imaginos comes to discover that he is able to change his appearance at will and to see the future to an extent. As the child becomes an adult he finds himself affected by wanderlust and, billing himself as an adventurer, sets out to explore Texas and the western frontier, finally arriving in New Orleans in 1829.

It is there that he has a vision imploring him to travel to Mexico, in search of an artifact "lost, last and luminous, scored to sky yet never found". Imaginos joins the crew of a ship travelling to the Yucatan Peninsula, but while passing through the Gulf of Mexico, the ship encounters a freak storm of which his visions failed to warn him. The ship sinks with most of its crew and Imaginos, half dead, washes ashore and is left for dead by the other survivors, who have come to regard him with suspicion.

As he lays dying "on a shore where oyster beds seem plush as down", Imaginos is addressed by a symphony of voices who identify themselves as Les Invisibles. Imaginos' true nature is revealed to him, and he is informed that the circumstances of his entire life have been manipulated to bring him to that specific moment in time. Having explained themselves to him, they offer him a choice - die as a human, or live as their servant. Imaginos accepts their offer, and is resurrected from the dead by the "Blue Öyster Cult", the human servants of Les Invisibles. He is inducted into the cult and given a new name - Desdenova, "Eternal Light".

From this point on, Imaginos becomes an instrument of Les Invisibles' manipulation of human history. For the next 63 years, he inveigles himself into the world of European politics, using his shapeshifting ability to take the place of high-ranking officials and use their offices to bring about Les Invisibles' will. By 1892, Imaginos is living in a mansion in Cornwall and has a nine-year-old granddaughter, though it is not clear whether she is his biological grandchild or merely the grandchild of the mansion's original inhabitant. Having by this time spent several decades studying mysticism and astrology, Imaginos discovers that England's rise as a superpower in the 16th century coincided with John Dee's acquisition of a magic obsidian mirror, said to have been "taken from the jungle by crime". This revelation in mind, Imaginos determines that the time has come to attempt again his aborted mission to Mexico.

On August 1, 1892, he sets sail aboard a "charmed ship" which, despite "storms on land and storms at sea", delivers him faithfully to Mexico. After spending several months exploring the jungles of Yucatan he finds an undiscovered Mayan pyramid. Following a long passage into the interior of the pyramid he discovers a chamber carved from solid jade, and within the chamber of jade he discovers the "Magna of Illusion", a twin of Dee's magic mirror. Stealing away with the artifact, he returns to Cornwall a year to the day of his departure, which happens to coincide with the tenth birthday of his granddaughter. Imaginos gives it to the girl as a birthday present, and for the following 21 years it sits collecting dust in her attic, silently poisoning the minds of Europe's leaders. Finally, in 1914, "World War I breaks out. A disease with a long incubation."

It should be noted that the chronology of the storyline is indefinite. Controversy about the correct order of the songs, as well as the free-form style of the narrative leave the correct sequence in doubt. The fact that some believe Imaginos can travel through time further complicates matters.

I for one would invite an Imaginos stuffed animal for my daughter.

Don't ever let them win!

2009-03-10T20:55:00.000-04:00

Finally a McDonald's commercial I can get behind.

2009-03-09T21:03:00.001-04:00

You are a cruel bitch, Cleveland

2009-03-03T20:42:00.001-05:00

With a man like Tim Brown around, why aren't you dancing?

While I am busy actually earning my paycheck...

2009-03-02T21:12:00.003-05:00

BAT FIGHT with Will Ferrell from Will Ferrell

I give you this.

I have a plan should I have a snow day tomorrow

2009-03-01T21:13:00.001-05:00

Stuart Scott Must Be Stopped

2009-03-01T21:02:00.001-05:00

Isn't this disturbing enough? Do we really need a sex tape involving Stuart Scott? Please call your congressman and demand this be stopped.

I have moved on from LOL Cats

2009-02-25T22:06:00.002-05:00

Another calendar choice

2009-02-25T22:04:00.003-05:00

Is this calendar more to your liking?

Whatever happened to the paper calendar

2009-02-22T13:52:00.002-05:00

I really want to put this on my refrigerator.

While we are talking about vaginal hygiene

2009-02-15T19:07:00.002-05:00

I thought I would share this gem with you.

She's hot and all, but ...

2009-02-11T08:14:00.002-05:00

Let's get personal for a moment. I don't care how hot you are ladies, there is a certain amount of maintenance that needs to be done. There are many styles that can be chosen, the 4x Brazilian, the Tear Drop, the Landing Strip, etc., but the "shaggy dog" is a style that I don't believe many men will find alluring.

Sure, she could tone-up a bit and lose the penny loafers (many men find those as attractive as 9" stripper pumps) and maybe even find a more shape flattering outfit, but as long as her lower half is trimmed like this, she may as well be using Frontline as a lubricant, because men aren't gonna be a flocking.

I tend to root against Internet love

2009-02-10T18:04:00.001-05:00

But I am all about this guy finding his lady. (Click to enlarge.)

The Joydick turns your penis into a joystick.

2009-02-10T16:40:00.002-05:00

At what point did the Christians release the lions? I think we are getting close to that point when we are looking at the Internet. Here is a quote from Gizmodo on the latest piece of crap to pollute Al Gore's Intertubes,"the Joydick is a DIY cock ring that turns a penis into a 4-way joystick, with masturbatory strokes replacing as button presses."

Where is that Atari 2600 I have and a copy of Ms. Pac Man that I had laying around. I bet getting to the cherry level will be much more special now. Something tells me that one of these thingees, a six pack of Natural Light and a copy of Pitfall would really improve the quality of my life.

Need to know more? Wanna see a video of it in action? Click here.

Greatest Video Ever

2009-02-09T07:59:00.001-05:00

I initially saw this video on The Soup, this version adds the "enhanced cupcakes," the dog (his name is Stains) is 100% un-retouched.

I want this dog.

Speaking of shit eaters...

2009-02-09T06:55:00.003-05:00

My boss, myself, and the Chairman of our Board of Directors have been summoned to Raleigh, NC for a meeting with Christopher Dodd, Chairman of the Senate Banking Committee. We can't be in trouble, so while we are playing 20 questions, do I ask him where his mortgage documents are or what it was like to bang Princess Leia? You know what? I am going to say nothing with the hope of expediting a trip home.

Spark 'em up

2009-02-06T21:21:00.001-05:00

This time I really have hit the end of the Internet

2009-02-04T14:59:00.003-05:00

Apeparantly, there is a new fad out there -- Lego porn. It is exactly as it sounds, people recreating sexual acts with Legos. Now I like porn as much as the next guy, but this stuff is just flat out sad. I think I have even tackled the world of furries head-on and as odd as I think they are, if a woman in the right Hello Kitty costume were to saunter by, I could be tempted -- but this, this is just flat out disturbing. Am I crazy? Am I missing something that works for you and others? Let me know as I really am lost on this one.

Sorry for the lack of quality posts lately

2009-02-01T22:16:00.003-05:00

For those of you that aren't aware, doctors found a "mass" coming off of one of my kidneys and I have been going through some tests. As you might imagine, my creativity has been channeled to other, less positive uses and really taken away from the quality of this site.

Late last week, after going through another test, the lab tech told me that while her word isn't definitive, "you have nothing to worry about." I should get final word from my doctor on Monday.

In the meantime, enjoy this baby cake. It looks like a caucasian kid, so I imagine it is a white cake. Please save the kidney for me as I may still need it.

Porn has changed since I used to watch it

2009-01-28T13:46:00.001-05:00

Roadside Ass-sistance | Girls | SPIKE.com

So three transvestites and a tire iron walk into a McDonald's

2009-01-23T21:42:00.003-05:00

Honestly, I wish I could make this up. I honestly don't know what I can add to the video except I am fascinated by the manager's quick thinking -- using hot fry grease as a weapon is genius.

Infuse hope into your entire life.

2009-01-21T20:44:00.002-05:00

Eating on these Obama plates will say "I hope this slop is edible." Or keep the plates in the boxes they came in and use their value to retire off of in 20 years. Either way, you can't go wrong with Obama plates!

I am excited about the inauguration concert

2009-01-20T07:17:00.002-05:00

What time does Government Mule take the stage?

Are you like I was?

2009-01-19T21:03:00.000-05:00

White and in need of Alfonso Ribeiro to teach you to dance? Than I have the video for you.

I have seen the end of the Internet

2009-01-15T21:23:00.004-05:00

And it starts and ends here. Please God don't let it get worse.

A letter from our soon to be former president

2009-01-13T14:09:00.002-05:00

Anyone interested in starting a new business with me?

2009-01-12T14:41:00.005-05:00

Above this type you see the future of the Internet. You see the future of sex. You see them merging as one. You may say "how pathetic and disgusting." Others that may be living in mom and dad's basement may be saying it's the answer to their prayers.

I look at this from a different angle. Whether moral or immoral, fun or disgusting, someone and something is going to have to clean that crap up and I don't think Windex is going to get the job done and mom ain't gonna let you put that in her dishwasher.

I am offering you, the Streaming Drivel reader, the opportunity of a lifetime. Be my partner in finding a way to clean these things and we'll be billionaires. The answer may be as simple as repacking baby wipes with some sort of pipe cleaner thingee. Interested? You know where to find me.

Persistent Dumb Man in the News

2009-01-12T11:50:00.003-05:00

The guy pictured above took 26 years to solve Rubik's Cube. For this he gets his picture in the paper with these jaw dropping quotes:

'I have missed important events to stay in and solve it and I would lie awake at night thinking about it.

'I have had wrist and back problems from spending hours on it but it was all worth it. When I clicked that last bit into place and each face was a solid colour, I wept.'

Either Graham Parker is retarded, or he is the dumbest man alive. The article doesn't discuss if he has any physical issues that may have slowed him down, like incessant drooling or having flippers for hands, or maybe being color blind. No, this is just one really persistent dumb guy with no sense of self respect.

I can't remember the last thing that took me 26 years to do (insert get laid joke here), but if something took me 26 years to complete, it better damn well be more momentous than finishing a freaking puzzle.

If this isn't the most disturbing thing you see today, I feel sorry for you.

2009-01-09T21:23:00.001-05:00

Ever have one of those moments?

2009-01-08T08:26:00.002-05:00

This morning I woke up. Ran 2 miles or until my legs felt like they were about to splinter off (yes, I am that out of shape), took my shower and ate my Raisin Bran, like any other day. But then I put the key in the ignition of my car and the radio turned on and low and behold, what was playing, New World Man by Rush.

When I was younger I used to look as music as a soundtrack to my life. As I grew older I stopped. Probably because I had less to do. Probably because it was a silly thing to do in the first place. But today the words seemed to echo what my life is all about these days. Now if I only had that sweet white suit that Alex Lifeson is wearing...

Perhaps the greatest guide to building a hamburger ever made

2009-01-07T13:51:00.001-05:00

How to make a hamburger for the retarded.

Do you know who you are messing with?

2009-01-07T13:42:00.002-05:00

I cannot sit by and watch the great Biz Markie be slandered by people who obviously are not familiar with his complete body of work. For the uneducated, I give you Just a Friend, perhaps one of the greatest songs written since Brahms Hungarian Dance No. 5. He is a modern day Brahms with a touch of Denzel Washington. Don't believe me? Scroll forward in the video clip to 3:17. Listen to him croon. Gaze at him in that powdered wig. Ladies, realize he will never be yours and try not to cry.

Let's take a moment to enjoy the small things in life

2009-01-07T08:49:00.002-05:00

Today, let's enjoy Biz's Beat of the Day!

Is this the greatest web site ever?

2009-01-06T07:09:00.003-05:00

Have a power point presentation you need to spice up in order to get that big promotion? How about a car horn that sounds a little flat? This site might have a solution for you that will take your life to the next level. Thanks to bon vivant and noted non blogger CTK for this link.

The 2009 must have gadget for your car.

2009-01-05T14:34:00.003-05:00

That's right, microwaves for your car. Sorry officer, I didn't see that stop sign and ran into that school bus because my hot pocket needed to be turned over. WTF is wrong with people?

Savor this while I am forced to work by my captors

2009-01-05T08:09:00.002-05:00

The next few weeks promise to be very hectic for me. I know you find it hard to believe, but I don't earn enough from Streaming Drivel to make it a full-time job. Shocking, isn't it. Because of this, I am forced to work in order to put scrapple and mush on the table for my family. Don't feel sorry for me. I know I am one of the lucky 30 or 40 people left in the country with a job. I just won't be able to post as much as I would like to over the next week or two.

It's January 4th

2009-01-04T15:56:00.003-05:00

View of my backyard. I get to keep her if her owners don't show up today.

And things are starting to get back to normal here. I only have one or two people that haven't left our New Year's party and we are pretty certain that they are going to leave today (one way or another). We are kind of concerned about an unidentified gentleman found unconscious and naked at the entrance to our neighborhood. Nobody recognized him, so we assume he was at another party. If you are missing a man in his early 30's that has a Robin Thicke tattoo on his right bicep and a T.G.I. Friday's menu tramp stamp, please pick him up by 5:00 today. If you do not pick him up, we will take him to the nearest pound.

Blago names Burris successor to Obama's seat

2008-12-30T20:30:00.005-05:00

Other things Blago has recently named:

His penis: Mr. Sprinkles
His dog: Ruffles
His wife's left breast: Jesse Jackson, Jr. (check hasn't cleared on the right breast)
His House: Blagoland
The indentations left in carpet after moving heavy furniture: Furnidents (ha, Rich Hall beat him to that name).

Meanwhile Roland Burris got in the naming game as well. How? He named his kids Roland II and Rolanda.

And now a Public Service Message

2008-12-30T08:06:00.000-05:00

From me to you and yours this holiday season

2008-12-27T21:01:00.000-05:00

Watch Hammerdance videos and dance lessons at DanceJam.com

Don't worry, I didn't spend a lot.

Dr. Phil's Insatiable Eggo Fetish -- Better Let Go of That Eggo!

2008-12-23T20:22:00.002-05:00

Dr. Phil may have gained his noteriety for working with egos, but these days it's video of the Dr. engaged in a lewd act with Eggo brand waffles that has the Internet abuzz. We haven't been able to find the video, but we are not certain we would want to watch it. One observer said "it's the most disgusting thing I have ever seen done to food. That poor waffle. Just when you think it's over, you learn that it's not maple syrup." Yikes.

I'll be going away for a while

2008-12-19T18:56:00.001-05:00

Have a merry Xmas and I be chatting at ya soon. While I am gone, chew on this photo of Frosty the Snowman terrorizing my daughter.

We are really hitting rock bottom as a nation, aren't we?

2008-12-14T17:43:00.002-05:00

It's kinda funny because the journalist throwing the shoe is doing what we all wish we could do. It's kinda sad because this guy is going to have one end of a rope tied to a Toyota and the other end tied to his colon. I bet the Toyota will win that battle.

Something for the ladies

2008-12-13T07:47:00.001-05:00

My favorite line is "my wife would like that."

10 people I want to have a beer with

2008-12-08T16:42:00.004-05:00

#9 The dame that wrote this on Craigslist.

10 people I want to have a beer with

2008-12-05T20:05:00.001-05:00

#10.

MyChildIsNotRetarded.com

2008-12-05T17:12:00.002-05:00

Is this my ticket to millions?

Finally a way for parents to tell the world that their child is not retarded! MyChildIsNotRetarded.com is way to say, "sure my son or daughter may look a little different or think a little differently than most kids, but they are not retarded!"

Just because...

2008-12-04T09:46:00.001-05:00

Every once in a while, the Onion manages to get it right. When they do, we are there to salute them!

Greatest invention of all-time

2008-12-04T09:42:00.003-05:00

How many times have you been parched and wanted something that would wrap around your entire head before you drank it? I know that's a silly question, because you probably can't count that high. That said, your dream has come true. America has returned to what has made it great -- inventing things and allowing a third world nation to produce them! Thanks to the invention above, for first time ever, you could have beer goggles. Once these babies hit the street you will be asking yourself "recession, what recession?"

There's something very disturbing about this photo

2008-12-03T08:57:00.005-05:00

Is it that she is not wearing shoes? Is it the "balls" at the end of the plate? I can't quite put my tongue on it (but I would like to). Should Heinz be dabbling in food porn? Who am I to say? I am just concerned that somewhere, in some basement, there is a 400 lb man with a mouse in one hand and himself in the other, thinking that this photo is just what he likes.

Tour of Iowa: Stop 1 Bettendorf!

2008-12-02T08:05:00.003-05:00

I won't have much time to blog this week. I have kicked-off my month long tour of Iowa. Today I am in Bettendorf (why not save the best for first?).

In Bettendorf, the fun heats up when the sun goes down. From crowd-pleasing dinner shows and nightclubs to symphony performances and sporting events, every evening presents a full menu of offerings for night owls.

I think I am going to splurge and eat at a Hardee's tonight. Bettendorf = sinful.

Anybody wanna split a five pack with me?

2008-11-28T21:36:00.002-05:00

Say no to good restaurants, the arts and glory holes!

It's too dangers to shot at Wal-Mart -- even if I wanted to (which I don't)

2008-11-28T12:18:00.003-05:00

Before you read the copy below, I need to ask, what the fuck is wrong with this country? What makes "normal" people go shopping at 4:00 am for cheap shit from Malaysia that is "on sale" for 300 times what it cost to make the shit in the firs place? What's more, why are people creating stampedes to get in to Walmart? So much so that they are killing Walmart employees to get at some piece of shit Emerson toaster/Ham radio/bottle opener/game cube thingee. You people are nuts. You should make your gifts out of macaroni, glue, and construction paper like God wants you to.

NEW YORK – A worker died after being trampled by a throng of unruly shoppers when a suburban Wal-Mart opened for the holiday sales rush Friday, authorities said.

At least three other people were injured.

Wal-Mart Stores Inc., in Bentonville, Ark., would not confirm the reports of a stampede but said a "medical emergency" had caused the company to close the store, which is in Valley Stream on Long Island.

Nassau County police said the 34-year-old worker was taken to a hospital where he was pronounced dead at about 6 a.m., an hour after the store opened. The cause of death was not immediately known.

A police statement said shortly after 5 a.m., a throng of shoppers "physically broke down the doors, knocking (the worker) to the ground." Police also said a 28-year-old pregnant woman was taken to a hospital for observation and three other shoppers suffered minor injuries and were also taken to hospitals.

The dead worker's name was not released. Continued...

2008-11-26T15:51:00.002-05:00

So I too am going to set-off for a foreign land and go to where me heart takes me. To a place where they speak a foreign language, use a difference currency, a place where sex with young women has become a cottage industry. I am going to spend 30 days in Iowa.

Unlike CTK's destination of Asia, I can't seem to find a great number of travel books or journals to help Sheppard me through all that is Iowa. So, I need your help in programming what I see, hear, feel, and smell once my fee touch down in the land that always sleeps, the much fabled land of Iowa.

I leave next week. Thoughts?

Black Friday is coming!

2008-11-26T08:31:00.001-05:00

Guess where I am shopping. I hope they have an online store.

Unofficial Holidays

2008-11-26T08:19:00.002-05:00

I view today and Friday are unofficial holidays, meaning employees are expected to work, but many use the oddball Thursday off and combine it with two vacation days to get a five day weekend.

This is why the Chinese and Third World Nation are going to take us over any day now, we have become a nation of lazy, vacation taking bastards. Do you think a textile worker in Ding Chow spends much time planning how to use best use their vacation days and get the three day Casimir Pulaski holiday weekend? I bet not, since a hefty portion of them don't get to take holidays off and only get 4 days off per month. This country is getting soft, let's get back to what made his country great, slave labor!

Why am I so bitter? Since I have the least amount of tenure on our management team I get to "work" today and Friday. I put the word "work" in quotation marks because you know my productivity will go down and my blog posting will go up. I can't wait until we hire a new CEO so that he/she gets to work during these "holiday" periods. I bet their blog posts will be even worse than mine.

Watch this space, as next year this time I will make a post stating the exact opposite.

So my daughter visits Santa for the first time Wednesday

2008-11-25T20:48:00.007-05:00

What's the worst that can happen? I would like to think the worst that can happen would be a slip-up in potty training. I have already told "the wife," that all of Santa's hands must be accounted for at all times. I wonder if he could be arrested while she is telling him she wants a train for Christmas?

You will expect less from Target after watching this

2008-11-24T13:37:00.002-05:00

Wow. I was wondering exactly how much education one needed to have to land a job at Target and today I got my answer. None. A mindless dolt, unable to scratch an X on a piece of paper is probably manager material at this place. I am amazed these mental midgets were able to get the carts in the truck in the first place. That must have taken them weeks. Demote these guys down to the popcorn and food court. On second thought, don't ruin the popcorn, put them in the photography studio or Target Optical -- you expect less when shopping there.

This is going to be a tough week

2008-11-24T08:08:00.002-05:00

For those of you that aren't aware, I work for a small bank in North Carolina. I used to be the Marketing Director. In July they asked me to manage the Retail Bank as well. Last week I had the pleasure of terminating a bank employee that had been with us for 28 years for structuring some of her personal transactions to avoid government notification. What made it worse is that she is in the middle of a divorce and she lost over 200 hours of PTO. So, let's do the math. No more job income. She lost her husband's income and she is out 200 hours of paid time off. That was a hard thing to do. On the bright side, I avoided terminating a 61 year-old employee by getting he to avoid a lesser role within the company.

This week we are dealing with budgeting. As of Friday the price of FDIC insurance we need to pay the government was up 2.5 times. The government is also requiring us to pay for the FDIC insurance investment companies are using to guarantee cash in their money market funds. This adds about $700,000 to our expenses. Then we get to find money to cover losses in our pension plan. In 2006, companies were required to keep 80% of a pension program's assets in the fund. Due to some nefarious activities, the government changed the law to require 92% funding starting in 2009.

To make matters worse, the increased funding levels are based on the balances as of January 2008 -- not Dec. 31, 2008 (if you have any money in mutual funds, IRAs, stocks, etc., you know where this is going). We lost about $3 million in our pension plan. So we need to find another $4 million by January 1, 2009 if congress doesn't change their mandate. If they don't hundreds, if not thousands of companies are going to be brought to their financial knees (even companies like AT&T and Verizon will be affected). The good news is congress is considering it.

I typically use this "space" for stupidity. Today I want to share with you my concerns regarding the economy. I work at a very fiscally sound, conservative bank. We didn't get involved in any of the poor lending practices that drove other banks to the government nipple for help. We carry three times the capital required by the government, so we haven't done stupid things to raise cash.

And yet, we find ourselves having to make some very difficult decisions about who the bank is and what it will be in the future because of the acts of the bad apples. To make matters worse, the government is taking our tax dollars to fund the very banks that made these mistakes and make the good guys compete against them.

I need to cut this short as I am running out of time...

If you haven't heard heard of Marriner S. Eccles, it's about time.

So I have been challenged to create gayer posts.

2008-11-21T16:38:00.003-05:00

Last night was a total blast. Hit up Bill's for the 3 hour marathon of MustGayTV. 3 hours, 3 bottles of champagne, 3 big ol' homos. It was so gay that we had to periodically open the window to let some gay out. It was so gay that we had to scrub the gay out of the couch. It was so gay that I gayed five times and no one noticed.

Bill made a lovely polenta topped with goat cheese, basil, and a roasted tomato compote. There were also crazy-good-lemongrass-thai-things with an equally bomb dipping sauce (sorry, I was too busy shoving them in my mouth to pay attention to what they were). And cookies. And champagne. And laughter--so, so much laughter.

Can you believe that neither Bill nor Cam knew about anal bleaching? (That was one of the times when I totally gayed all over the place.) Its nice to know that I can pass along important, community-oriented, political issues to the boys.

This is the best I could throw together on such short notice.

Posted for a special reader's delight

2008-11-20T13:23:00.003-05:00

Ubermilf, I know how much you enjoy the gay culture. This one is for you.