Keys to US Problem Solving

I am certain that there's nothing a little
Wolfmother and some carbon credits can't fix.


1) War. This country was born out of a war and look what war has done for the world! It’s given us a North and South Korea and Israel. Just imagine the possibilities that Iraq can bring!

2) Party. How many movies can you name where x has a problem and needs to raise money in order to solve said problem? Does X get a job? No. Do they sell a vital organ? No. They do what Americans do and throw a party to raise funds. There is nothing a $5.00 plastic cup and a keg of Keystone can’t solve! If Latin America countries were smarter they would save up their cash to buy some Busch and invite the Norte Americanos down for a kegger.

3) Concerts. Remember AIDS? I think the Mandela Aids concert solved it. Remember starving in Africa? Ronnie James Dio, Quiet Riot, Iron Maiden, Night Ranger, Vanilla Fudge and Blue Oyster Cult took care of that with a little thing called Hear ‘n Aid. Trying to find money to remodel your basement? Call Loverboy and Pebbles. That should get the job done.

4) Midnight Basketball. No, not the Cameron Crazy types. Look at how well the US plan of Midnight Basketball has worked out in Lebanon. I am pretty certain that things will cool down over there once Hezbollah gets a low post scorer.


5) Carbon credits. They’ll solve anything. Knock-up your wife’s sister? It’s nothing that buying a few carbon credits won’t smooth over. Accidentally have a few dozen dogs die on your property and you buried them in graves that were a little so shallow to escape discovery from the authorities? Buy some carbon credits. After watching Live Earth I am certain that there is nothing that a combination of a concert featuring Linkin Park and carbon credits can’t solve.

Thank you Al Gore and Pussycat Dolls, your contributions to world peace are appreciated.