An Open Letter to the Guy in the Mazda Tribute I Had to Follow this Morning

An artist's representation of my drive
into work this morning.

Hey buddy, are you feeling OK? You know there are two southbound lanes and you are driving in them both. Those dotted lines aren’t there to center your cloaked Ford Escape. Really they aren’t. I hope you don’t feel that you are special and that you are entitled to drive in both lanes. I don’t think anyone that has ever driven a Mazda Tribute was labeled as “special,” unless it dealt with which bus you rode on to grade school.

More importantly, did you see the speed limit signs? They are the white signs on the side of the road. They have been reading 45 MPH for the last 5 miles or so. Maybe you are looking at your speedometer incorrectly. The small numbers in the center of your speedometer are Kilometers per Hour – that’s Metric. We use Miles per Hour in ‘merica. It usually takes me about 20 minutes to get to work. This morning it will take me about 40 minutes. Oh, don’t worry about it. I leave my home at 6:30 in the morning every day just to be a rebel.

Have you read your Owner’s Manual? You may want to. There is this thing called a parking brake. You may be driving with it on. Just a hunch, but it’s worth a check. If you can disengage the parking break you not only will go faster, but you may find it easier to drive. Hey, while you have that thing out, look at the section marked Transmission. My guess is that you have what is called “multiple gears.” You may be able to go faster if you select a gear other than first. Try second gear for a while. Yeah, it’s a bit more work if you don’t have an automatic as you have to shift from first to second gear… but it will open up a whole new world to you. If you are ever feeling “on the edge” try third gear. I don’t want to spoil it for you, but your car came with five gears. Think of the fun you can have trying all 5!

Got all that, Sparky? You may want to have your mechanic (I am assuming your 1996 Tribute has maintenance done on it) look into that plume of smoke that shoots out of your tailpipe every time you hit the accelerator (that’s the pedal on the right). Unless you had something special installed, your car isn’t supposed to be smoking; it’s not good for your car. It’s not good for you. It’s not good for the environment. If Al Gore sees you he will first break your spine and then go broke purchasing carbon credits to offset your daily commute.

Oh, and what the fuck is going on with your brakes? I seriously feel a seizure coming on from how fast you are pumping your brakes. And while we are talking about your brakes, how many weeks do you go between brake jobs? I bet you’re a Meineke Gold Card Member, aren’t you. Good for you.

I didn’t want to make this personal, but I got a glimpse of you as I drove into the oncoming traffic to get around you. You don’t look to well. Did you have a long night watching the Singing Bee? Or did you party a little too hard when you say the preview for Caveman – the new ABC comedy featuring the GEICO caveman? Yeah, you look like the kind of guy that would like that stuff.

Well, best of luck with the whole “driving thing.” I know I threw a lot at you so early this morning. If it was too much, this link might help.