This is an actual email thread that took place earlier today. Yes, this is what my life has come to. Read for your own entertainment. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
From: The Todd
So I went to xxxx's dr today to have an analysis done on my babymaking capabilities. I don't know if you ever did this, but it involved stepping into a bathroom that contained sterile receptacles, detailed written instructions, moist towelettes, and a magazine selection. The selection? 2 Playboys, 4 Penthouse, 1 "Pepper" (sistas), and 1 New Yorker. And here I thought I was the only one who pleasured themselves to the work of Mike Twohy.
From: The Todd
So I went to xxxx's dr today to have an analysis done on my babymaking capabilities. I don't know if you ever did this, but it involved stepping into a bathroom that contained sterile receptacles, detailed written instructions, moist towelettes, and a magazine selection. The selection? 2 Playboys, 4 Penthouse, 1 "Pepper" (sistas), and 1 New Yorker. And here I thought I was the only one who pleasured themselves to the work of Mike Twohy.
| show details 1:36 PM (7 hours ago) |
Never been through this, but I wouldn't need an excuse to go. I wish I could be paid to do that.
WTF is with the New Yorker? Is this for gay guys or just bored onlookers?
I hope you took the copy of Pepper home with you and said "If you would only be more like this -- and point at page 38.
I am no sperm doctor, but I bet it's not that you have lazy sperm. It's that you are so smart that you have taken all their intelligence and you have really dumb sperm. Go to Borders and get a copy of Where Did I Come From. Go home, close the doors and pull off your pants. Now read the book to your unit a few times, emphasizing key points. It also helps if you train them a bit like the old guy did in rocky -- maybe have them chase chickens or something. Either way, your new enhanced sperm will be out there breaking eggs and shit in no time.
I just got home from another trip to the ER. Had more bleeding and the Dr. was afraid I was starting kidney failure. Total false alarm and I had a choice of going back to work or going home and relaxing. I went home.
If you continue to have procreation issues, we can always work out a timeshare with Gina. She's a great kid with low miles and a number of options.
WTF is with the New Yorker? Is this for gay guys or just bored onlookers?
I hope you took the copy of Pepper home with you and said "If you would only be more like this -- and point at page 38.
I am no sperm doctor, but I bet it's not that you have lazy sperm. It's that you are so smart that you have taken all their intelligence and you have really dumb sperm. Go to Borders and get a copy of Where Did I Come From. Go home, close the doors and pull off your pants. Now read the book to your unit a few times, emphasizing key points. It also helps if you train them a bit like the old guy did in rocky -- maybe have them chase chickens or something. Either way, your new enhanced sperm will be out there breaking eggs and shit in no time.
I just got home from another trip to the ER. Had more bleeding and the Dr. was afraid I was starting kidney failure. Total false alarm and I had a choice of going back to work or going home and relaxing. I went home.
If you continue to have procreation issues, we can always work out a timeshare with Gina. She's a great kid with low miles and a number of options.
Another thought.. Have you tried an incentive plan for your boys? This is wildly successful with car makers and sales people.Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T
From: Darth Roker
Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 13:36:20 -0500
To: The Todd
Subject: Re: TMI
Excellent idea. Actually, we have no idea whether my boys need incentivizing or not - xxxx just decided that now that she's 38, she doesn't have time to waste on trying the old-fashioned way. She wants to know what we're dealing with and how best to make this work ASAP. Whatever, I'm just here for the free Penthouse spread (not bad at all). Pepper was a letdown - total skanks, and the only attractive one was in a "couples" spread with a guy who looked like Snoop. The New Yorker was hotter.
Glad your alarm was false. All I want to do this afternoon is sit outside and drink beer. A repeat of Saturday, as it were.
From: Darth Roker
Sent: Monday, June 13, 2011 3:01 PM
To: The Todd
Subject: Re: TMI
You could also have a little egg on a stick that the boys are taught to chase -- like dog racing has.
I hear her concerns. Just be weary of fertility docs -- I know 3 couples that used the down here. 2 had triplets, the other was supposed to have triplets, but ended up with twins -- they figure the other two ganged up and ate the third.
I am sure all will be fine.
I hear her concerns. Just be weary of fertility docs -- I know 3 couples that used the down here. 2 had triplets, the other was supposed to have triplets, but ended up with twins -- they figure the other two ganged up and ate the third.
I am sure all will be fine.
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From: The Todd
Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 15:04:27 -0400
To: Darth Roker
Subject: RE: TMI
Excuse me, nurse, the magazines aren't working for me. Do you have any Boys Life or Highlights?
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From: The Todd
Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 15:04:27 -0400
To: Darth Roker
Subject: RE: TMI
No? How about Cricket? Ranger Rick? WTF is wrong with you people?
From: Darth Roker
Sent: Monday, June 13, 2011 3:13 PMExactly. These places just don't get the modern man.
Nurse, I missed the cup... Again. Should I just get that sample off the book case and call it good, or should I get another beaker and a copy of Rachel Rays new magazine?
Nurse, I missed the cup... Again. Should I just get that sample off the book case and call it good, or should I get another beaker and a copy of Rachel Rays new magazine?
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From: The Todd
Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 15:16:11 -0400
It is real easy for women to say go get your junk checked. But have you watched Maury? None of the men on that show had any problems. I think its a ploy and that women need to spend more time working on their stuff to make certain there aren't impediments for the swimmers -- you know, old missing french fries, candy bar wrappers, missing socks, etc. Not saying this is a problem your lady is having, but odds are there are women walking around that have turned their speedways into speed traps.
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From: The Todd
Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 16:06:39 -0400
I'm putting money on a Topsy Tail and an AOL CD-ROM getting in the way.
From:Darth Roker
Sent: Monday, June 13, 2011 4:40 PMExactly. It's nothing a pressure sprayer, a rake, and a little 409 can't fix, yet women are all like "this is a finely tuned engine and shit. You need to take that thing in for some target practice and a checkup."
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From: Darth Roker
Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 16:42:40 -0400
This may be the single greatest conversation on reproduction to ever take place.OBGYNs, prospective parents and black standup comedians should be forced to read it.
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From: The Todd
Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 16:42:40 -0400
Dr. Oz and Bruce Bruce should do a PSA about it.
