Jun 13, 2011

An actual email thread with a friend

This is an actual email thread that took place earlier today. Yes, this is what my life has come to. Read for your own entertainment. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.


From: The Todd

So I went to xxxx's dr today to have an analysis done on my babymaking capabilities.  I don't know if you ever did this, but it involved stepping into a bathroom that contained sterile receptacles, detailed written instructions, moist towelettes, and a magazine selection.  The selection?  2 Playboys, 4 Penthouse, 1 "Pepper" (sistas), and 1 New Yorker.  And here I thought I was the only one who pleasured themselves to the work of Mike Twohy.







Darth to The Todd
show details 1:36 PM (7 hours ago)

Never been through this, but I wouldn't need an excuse to go. I wish I could be paid to do that.

WTF is with the New Yorker? Is this for gay guys or just bored onlookers?

I hope you took the copy of Pepper home with you and said "If you would only be more like this -- and point at page 38.

I am no sperm doctor, but I bet it's not that you have lazy sperm. It's that you are so smart that you have taken all their intelligence and you have really dumb sperm. Go to Borders and get a copy of Where Did I Come From. Go home, close the doors and pull off your pants. Now read the book to your unit a few times, emphasizing key points. It also helps if you train them a bit like the old guy did in rocky -- maybe have them chase chickens or something. Either way, your new enhanced sperm will be out there breaking eggs and shit in no time.


I just got home from another trip to the ER. Had more bleeding and the Dr. was afraid I was starting kidney failure. Total false alarm and I had a choice of going back to work or going home and relaxing. I went home.


If you continue to have procreation issues, we can always work out a timeshare with Gina. She's a great kid with low miles and a number of options.









Another thought.. Have you tried an incentive plan for your boys? This is wildly successful with car makers and sales people.Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: Darth Roker
Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 13:36:20 -0500
To: The Todd
Subject: Re: TMI



Excellent idea.  Actually, we have no idea whether my boys need incentivizing or not - xxxx just decided that now that she's 38, she doesn't have time to waste on trying the old-fashioned way.  She wants to know what we're dealing with and how best to make this work ASAP.  Whatever, I'm just here for the free Penthouse spread (not bad at all).  Pepper was a letdown - total skanks, and the only attractive one was in a "couples" spread with a guy who looked like Snoop.  The New Yorker was hotter.
Glad your alarm was false.  All I want to do this afternoon is sit outside and drink beer.  A repeat of Saturday, as it were.




From: Darth Roker
Sent: Monday, June 13, 2011 3:01 PM
To: The Todd
Subject: Re: TMI




You could also have a little egg on a stick that the boys are taught to chase -- like dog racing has.

I hear her concerns. Just be weary of fertility docs -- I know 3 couples that used the down here. 2 had triplets, the other was supposed to have triplets, but ended up with twins -- they figure the other two ganged up and ate the third.

I am sure all will be fine.

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: The Todd
Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 15:04:27 -0400
To: Darth Roker
Subject: RE: TMI



Excuse me, nurse, the magazines aren't working for me. Do you have any Boys Life or Highlights?
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: The Todd
Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 15:04:27 -0400
To: Darth Roker
Subject: RE: TMI



No?  How about Cricket?  Ranger Rick?  WTF is wrong with you people?




From: Darth Roker
Sent: Monday, June 13, 2011 3:13 PM



Exactly. These places just don't get the modern man.

Nurse, I missed the cup... Again. Should I just get that sample off the book case and call it good, or should I get another beaker and a copy of Rachel Rays new magazine?

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: The Todd
Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 15:16:11 -0400



Rofl, rofl.

"Redbook?  Not anymore!"




Sent: Monday, June 13, 2011 3:20 PM



It is real easy for women to say go get your junk checked. But have you watched Maury? None of the men on that show had any problems. I think its a ploy and that women need to spend more time working on their stuff to make certain there aren't impediments for the swimmers -- you know, old missing french fries, candy bar wrappers, missing socks, etc. Not saying this is a problem your lady is having, but odds are there are women walking around that have turned their speedways into speed traps.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: The Todd
Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 16:06:39 -0400



I'm putting money on a Topsy Tail and an AOL CD-ROM getting in the way.




From:Darth Roker
Sent: Monday, June 13, 2011 4:40 PM



Exactly. It's nothing a pressure sprayer, a rake, and a little 409 can't fix, yet women are all like "this is a finely tuned engine and shit. You need to take that thing in for some target practice and a checkup."
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: Darth Roker
Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 16:42:40 -0400



This may be the single greatest conversation on reproduction to ever take place.OBGYNs, prospective parents and black standup comedians should be forced to read it.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: The Todd
Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 16:42:40 -0400



Dr. Oz and Bruce Bruce should do a PSA about it.




Sent: Monday, June 13, 2011 4:47 PM



Its the only natural conclusion one could make from looking at the facts.Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Feb 28, 2010




A few years ago on the Acela I was waiting to take a leak and the bathroom nearest my seat was occupied. After a few minutes, the door unlocked and then-Senator Joe Biden emerged. When I entered the facility after his departure, I was immediately hit with, quite literally, the smelliest post-dump odor I have EVER experienced. It was so wretched that I was forced to immediately turn and exit and move to the bathroom in the next car, walking past Biden and his staffer on the way. He looked up at me, and I'm quite sure he knew his stink had forced me out.

This is a brief excerpt from Deadspin's Letters to the Editor. Enjoy.

Jan 10, 2010

Papa John's Car Impounded by KY Health Inspector




In 1984 John Schnatter sold his pride and joy for $1,600 to fund his new pizza business. That business, Papa John’s Pizza has grown into 3,400 stores across America. Papa John wanted the source of his seed money back in his garage and paid $250,000 to get it.

Schnatter was so proud of his car that he has been using it in Papa John's commercials, in which he uses the cars to deliver pizzas. Unfortunately for Schnatter, while delivering a pizza for one of his TV commercials, Papa John's car was inspected by a local health inspector. During the inspection, 25 year-old condoms, semen stains, and cans of Keystone Light were found, forcing the health inspector to impound the car. Schnatter is on record as saying he will collect he car and give it a through cleaning. If I were you, I wouldn't order a pizza from Papa John's with "everything" for a while.

Jan 8, 2010

Wow -- this lady is amazing...



Leslie has my favorite web site of all time. I suggest you take a few hours and explore. I would recommend that you click on her wedding packages... here. Already married? Perhaps you might like some of her home made spandex.

This woman can do anything!

Jan 7, 2010

A Two and a Half Men Replacement?



I think the acting and script are more believable.