It's Been a While, Amigos

Dear Diary:

I know it's been a while since my last post, but I have been very busy as of late. While like Jacko, most of my time has been taken-up watching porn with Corey Feldman, I have had some free time to delve into weightier issues, like Paris Hilton's ability to copyright the phrase "that's hot." How the hell is that possible? How is copyrighting "you're fired" possible? I have decided to copyright the word "and" as well as "nuculear" and the phrase "social security." Now anytime President Bush (wow, that is hard to type) makes a speech, the nation will go further into debt, unless my demands are met.

My demands:

I want to see less of the fat, sweaty Speaker of The House, Denny Hastert. This has duel meanings -- I want to see him less on TV, but more importantly, I want to see him popping a few cans of Slimfast.

I want to see more of the "Bush Twins." I don't know which set of the twins I like better -- but I need to see more of them in order to make a determination.

Leslie Stahl: Holiday Inn Express, Colt 45, leather, duct tape.

Overstock.com Girl: Delivered to my home in that tennis outfit and baby oil. That is all.

I declare a jihad on the Grammy's. They are insufferable. If somebody really wants to punish the Taliban, Saddam, and their supporters, make them watch the last 5 years on a loop. It is a fate far worse than death.

A note to the casting director for the Sprint Commercials: Yes, the new babe is delectable, but get her back to her porn roots ASAP --she can't act. "I have to show this to my designer," is about as believable as saying she didn't have to "read" for the part.