Dudes, I have spent the last 27 hours in my mom's basement working on my brackets. I have created a series of mathematical models that should predict the outcome of the NCAA Basketball Tournament. Bathroom, I don't need a bathroom. That's what Big Gulp cups are for. I think I had a Zagnut bar about 12 hours ago, but who needs food at a time like this?
Let's talk points in the paint. Let's talk offensive rebounds on the road, in conference versus teams with more than 5 vowels in the school name. Stats, I have stats.
What the hell is that mascot for Gonzaga? Alright, I don't have that. But for my model I plugged in a radish. What's the mascot for Winthrop? I have no idea either, let's put turnip. Radish wins.
Let's put it this way, I have cut all the kernels analyzed all the angles. I am the Stephen Fucking Hawking of The NCAA tournament. You think String Theory is tough to understand? Try calculating Iowa's chances of getting to the Elite Eight with Pierre Pierce back on the rape wagon. Try figuring out the odds that Mississippi State will beat Stanford by analyzing the combined weight of the MSU and Stanford Cheerleaders. I have, and let me tell you, it's not easy.
This year my final Four are Farleigh Dickinson Jr High School, Bucknell, Delaware State, and Winthrop. You heard it hear first. So when you leave your cube tonight, after putting down $20 small on Winthrop to take it all, you can sleep easier knowing that 73% of Winthrop's players went to pre-school, while the field is sitting at 71.3%. Your picks, like my stats, are money in the bank.
So remember where you heard this sage advice, my friend. Billy Packer isn't sharing it with you, nor is Jay Bilas or the Gumble brother that kind of looks like Pigpen. Nope, you heard it here, pay it forward.
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