"I was not ass raped by Jim Lampley," says skiing sensation Shaun White. It just never happened. I can also tell you that Mr. Lampley never inserted any foreign objects into my anal cavity, including a large metal rod, a bottle of Coca Cola, or a jug of Clorox bleach. These events never took place. Sure, it would have been less painful that talking with this old fuck... but I don't remember him shoving the business end of a shovel in my pooper, that would have hurt too."
Lampley was unavailable for comment, but an NBC spokesperson was quoted as saying "Mr. Lampley never told Shaun White that he hated him and that he (Lampley) was going to shove White back inside Carrot Top until he was done." The NBC spokesperson went on to say that Lampley was currently in a meeting with Apolo Anton Ohno and to the best of her knowledge had no plans to "wipe that fucking smile off of Ohno's face by using an aluminum baseball bat and a little American ingenuity."
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