Captain Kangaroo, Save our Zoos!

Why don't more people go to the zoo? Because they suck. There is very little entertainment value to be had. Oooh, look at the bear. Is he masturbating? Look at the bird! Look at that 1/2 dead lion counting down its last few days left on earth. Did that camel just take a dump? I can hardly contain my excitement!

Here are a couple of ways to liven things up.

1) Ping Pong Balls -- When I was a kid I would crap my pants every time ping pong balls were dropped on Mr. Moose. Let's get this going in our zoos, post haste!

2) Beer -- The zoo has enough store options. I think the San Diego Zoo has more stores than animals. So, let's take out a few stuffed hippos and put in a few cold bottles of Sam Adams and Sierra Nevada. It's a win/win. The zoo makes more money and I get to see Chimps the way they were supposed to be enjoyed... drunk.

3) Speaking of chimps, let's dress the little bastards up in human clothes. I would even see if we could train them to act out scenes from movies. I think TBS or USA had a show like this. Let's get some of NASA's best on this... today!


Imagine your joy when you hear your son yell "Daddy, look at the size of that beaver," for the first time!

4) Ok, there are some animals that just don't bring their "A game" to the party. But it is good for our kids to see them. That's why I recommend we hire people in costumes to play the roles of animals. This will guarantee our kids get to see the animals and enjoy some activity instead of a squirrel sitting on a log for hours. The key here is to make this as natural as possible, so the costumed actors should take their roles to heart and eat the same food as the actual animal. I don't want to hear about how the Moose was chomping down on a Carl Jr. burger. That's unnatural and unacceptable.

5) The smell. Let's face it, there is nothing worse than the smell of the zoo on a hot summer day. Well, there are a couple of things we can do. Teach them proper hygiene and how to use a toilet are chief among them. If the animal can't be taught how to use deodorant or how to flush, they are assigned a helper monkey to do it for them. Getting to confusing? Ok, let's get a sponsorship with Glade or Airwick and get them to create the largest air freshener in history! If an Airwick will work in the zoo, it better work in your family room.

I would love to hear your ideas for livening up the zoo!