Thursday morning confessional

I think every guy has had a crush on a woman that may be a little odd. Most guys my age were interested in women that may be a bit older, like Martha Stewart. Others were interested in Florence Henderson, or Diane Sawyer. I've always had three fetishes of my own, Lynda Carter, Bernadette Peters, and Marie Osmond.

I bring this up now because Marie Osmond has been trying to resuscitate her career lately via Dancing With the Stars and a myriad of other attempts. While Bernadette is still looking tasty and I am certain Wonder Woman will never be anything less, Marie is kinda scaring me a bit. She has had a lot of work done and doesn't look horrible, but I think she is nuts. Need proof? Look here. Tell me these things aren't the creepiest things you have ever seen.

Still not convinced? Let's go to the dolls' blog. Yes, the dolls have a blog of their own. How much money can a doll manufacturer pay her to do this. Answer? Not enough. No wonder her son is in rehab. If I had to wake-up every morning and walk through a house full of these fucking dolls just to get a bowl of cereal, I would have the worst heroin addiction that Betty Ford had ever seen.

Still not convinced? Marie says the Bible inspired her return to ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars” following the death of her father, George Osmond, last week. I don't read the Bible nearly enough, but I am pretty certain there isn't a section on "dancing your problems away." Marie, if you are having difficulties and need to talk to someone, may I suggest Uncle Darth's Camp for Newly Divorced Still Reasonably Attractive Women? It's a sister camp to Uncle Darth's Camp for Hot Wayward Teen Daughters and utilizes the same kind of confidence building techniques designed to to allow women to leave with new found self confidence, inner peace, energy and no outstanding harassment suits.