BK in the "News"

I received an email from one of our alert readers pointing to an article in this week's Onion. I would just like to go on record as saying that I had no idea that yesterday was "heap shit on Burger King day." While I wrote about BK's pathetic attempt to steal the idea of Chicken Fries created by the Clarence Birdseye of our time, Country singer Dwight Yoakam. It seems that the good people at the Onion did a piece about Burger King as well .

Please note that this was complete coincidence. I haven't been a regular reader of the Onion since they began outsourcing their writing to Guatemala or New York or wherever labor is the cheapest these days. Ever since they left Madison, the laughs are not coming as often or as hardy.

That said, I would like to thank the Onion for pointing out that BK is not what it once was. As many of you know, I recently moved to lovely Hoover, AL. All of our BK's are owned by Magic Johnson. Yep, old Abracadabra Dick himself owns all of the local BK's.

Instead of posters of the King, there are posters of Magic and the walls are full of self indulgent little known facts about Magic. No, Magic wasn't smart enough to dress up as the King.

For instance, did you know that the first word Magic ever said was "elevised" and the second word was "jumptuate?" I would not have known these fascinating facts had it not been for a Whopper craving I had to deal with about 4 months ago.

I hope they take his stores to the next level and install TVs with VCRs. Customers could then watch his talk show on endless loop, giving everyone the chance to hear him mutter stand up comedy "Cookie...her shopping bill be lllaaaarrrrggggeee."