To The Glutinous Mass of A Human (like) Being Driving Northbound on I-65 this Morning.

I pretty much believe in a man or woman's right to do as they choose. I talk on the cell phone while I drive. I see people apply makeup when the drive. I have even known people that like to read when they drive. I know of... a friend... who even messed around once or twice while driving. So please understand that I am pretty lenient when it comes to people "multi-tasking" while driving.

What I saw you do this morning was the single most disgusting act of humanity I have ever seen in my life. Today I witnessed your svelte 354 lb frame (which must have been buttered down to get you in your sleek 1986 Nova) swerving through all 4 lanes as you attempted to drive with your knees while eating.

If I hadn't known better, I would swear I was watching a portion of the movie Uncle Buck, your white Nova swerving in an out of lanes... with pieces of powdered sugar donuts flying out of the driver's side window. Most people crack their windows to allow smoke from their cigarettes to escape. Nope, not you, you crack your windows to allow the few donut crumbs that don't make it into your pie hole a chance to escape and bounce down the highway.

As I would move from side to side of my lane, avoiding donut chunks like some sort of real world Mario avoiding barrels thrown by a monkey, I got a chance to see your ruby red lips pucker up and kiss the 2 liter bottle of Dr. Pepper you were using to wash down your breakfast of champions. I wish the organizers of the Live 8 concerts had film of you to show as proof that our culture is out of control. No doubt they could have shamed millions into giving more.

I wondered to myself, did specialists redesign the interior of your car to make it easier for your to eat more, faster? Had the fine people of Chevy outfitted your car in a special fashion -- similar to the way they do for handicapped drivers, so you could down an additional bunt cake on your way to work each morning?

Maybe they enlarged the cup holders to accommodate your 2 liter bottles. Perhaps they removed the rear seat and replaced it with a trough, so you could "get your feed on" during rush hour? Maybe your dealer through in a Cupcake Console and stain guard instead of floor mats? Maybe instead of alloy wheels they gave you aluminium foil wheels?

Now I know I am not exactly wafer thin myself. I could definitely reach for the small fries a bit more often than I do. That being said, PUT THE RING DINGS DOWN YOU VILE DISPLAY of "HUMANITY," before you hurt someone. Before you disgust me into a diet. Before you make me get all Greg Louganis and crave a plate of scampi and warm lemon flavored water.