In 1991 Van Halen treated the world to a piece of musical nirvana with their album For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge. F.U.C.K. as it came to be known, was heralded by at least one rock critic, someplace, as a “musical masterpiece for the ages,” and spawned three songs that can only be described as “classics;” Poundcake, Runaround, and Right Now.
Flash forward 14 years. What is Van Halen is doing Right Now:
1) Michael is changing the oil of a Hyundai at one of 9 conveniently located Jiffy Lubes in the greater Sacramento area.
2) Alex: Is learning to remove scales before eating the fish.
3) Eddie: Has his hands full teaching Wolfgang to be just like him (using 8 oz. starter bottles of Bud Light).
4) Diamond Dave: collecting newspapers in the park to make his “good sleeping bench more comfortable.”
5) Sammy: trying really hard to drive 55.
6) Gary Cherone: telling everybody he was once in Van Halen.
7) Michael is thinking about the final touches on his latest white paper entitled: “Macroeconomic Policy Analysis for Regional Cooperation in the ESCWA Region: The Effect of Real Exchange Rate Variability on Intraregional Trade.”
8) Alex is having the tater tots removed from his toes – again.
9) Eddie is telling Wolfie about the time he had his hip replaced “just because I was so drunk I thought it was fucking broke.”
10) Dave: Would screw your dog for a glazed donut and a bottle of anything.
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