What I Learned at New Parent School

I am not supposed label electrical outlets as "even grapier."
My child should not be dried in a microwave.
My infant child will not make a good door stop.
It is not a great idea to label the clothes dryer as "fun inside."
I should wrap the child in bubble wrap.
Never directly touch the child. That is what tongs are for.
Children should have been born with car seats and helmets.
Children will not use a litter box without teaching.
Left to their own devices, they won't order their own food either.

I just kissed away my own childhood in order to watch another person have all the fun.