Good Morning Sunshine

Good morning peoples. I am a bit groggy this A.M. as my personal trainer, Fuad, instructed me to take 30 supplements with my pain pills. Regardless of what you hear, my stomach was not pumped, nor did my hot (one client) publicist pull pills out of my mouth. Don't worry, I will shake it off and I'll be ready to play on Sunday.

The Only Episode of Larry King I Will Watch

Snurples

This morning I created a new word, "shittensity." Shittensity is the amount of pressure (measured in PAI -- pounds per anal inch) placed upon the lower GI. Used in a sentence: Last night I made a run for the border, and then I made a run for the bathroom. The shittensity was so bad that I crapped in my neighbor's mailbox.

I am certain that good buddy CTKROD can write a word or two about shittensity now that he is taking Colonix. I am really upset that there is not an actual Dr. Natura. I was set to change primary care physicians.

Thank you! I am feeling better.

Your gifts have been very comforting, if not ironic.

SSSSHHHHHHH!

You'll scare the Snapalope.

Domino's Sales Soar in San Francisco

Fudgems was unavailable for comment. He was out on a "delivery" on Castro street.

A Public Service Announcement

If you are like me, you have spent years watching Sabados Gigante with little or no understanding of what is taking place. Well thanks to the translation feature available on Google, the time has come for us to understand skits like "the fat person and the skinny one."

If you prefer to just drool over latina boobies and have no clue what is going on, don't click on that link or view the site without translation -- yes, Barbie and Claudia pics are on the site!

Coors Light Party Train

Quick Thoughts on this ad concept:

1) This ad agency has the best account execs ever. How the hell did they sell this thing? "Here's our idea, it's hot outside and the party train comes through bringing cold filtered goodness to scantily dressed 20 year-old broads and 38 year-old balding men that are desperately trying to relive college while watching their waistlines." We'll take it.

2) I understand that in order for the party train to make a stop at my home, I need to create a Coors Light mountain type logo pattern by turning on and off lights throughout my house. I think the ads make that very clear. Where does the ride end? Based on previous experience I think I get off the train on onto the can at about 4:30 am with a mild case of intestinal disfortitude in my belly and burrito stains on my shirt.

3) How does one apply for a job on the train? More importantly, what types of skills is Coors looking for in a train conductor? I think this could be a sweet gig.

Thai Government Faces Coup

In case you have been living under a rock, there is a coup attempt underway in Thailand. If the govenrment should fall, and approximately all Banana Guards 2.0 versions manufactured in Bangkok, where are we going to get our Banana Guards from? I am concerned that supply will not be able to meet demand and BG prices will rise dramatically. My $.02 -- buy low (now), horde, and sell high (tomorrow)!

Ahoy Ye Scurvy Bastards

I think I have fulfilled my part of the program.

What Could He Be Talking About?

Caller: Do you have Prince Albert in a Can?
Wally the Walrus: I don't know what you are talking about. I am a walrus.
Caller: Then you'd better let him out!

Caller: Hello! Is your refrigerator running?
Wally: I am a walrus you idiot, I don't have a refrigerator a bunch of idiots dressed like the crocodile hunter climb over a fence and throw worms and dead infant seals at me. I suppose I could salt and cure the meat and bury it under the concrete they claim represents my natural habitat, but I am trying to cut down on the sodium in my diet.
Caller: Then you'd better go catch it!
Wally: Dude, you have no idea what a crappy wireless phone plan I have. I am paying like $.50 a minute for this garbage, and I lose calls all the time. If they ever let me out of this dump I am going to transfer ownership of this phone to you, and hunt you down like the gastropod you are, dial a phone sex line in Thailand and rectally force feed you this crappy piece of 1992 Motorola technology.

Turds on Wheels

Segway has announced that they are recalling all their 23,500 scooters due to a a software glitch that can make their wheels unexpectedly reverse direction, causing riders to fall off -- and in at least one incident, break some teeth. Unfortunately for the rest of us, Segway cannot recall the 23,500 idiots that bought the scooters. (Editor's note: Weren't these things supposed to revolutionize transportation and make cars and walking obsolete? Call me a cynic, but 5,000 per sales per year revolutionizes transportation much the same way Shawn Bradley revolutionized the NBA).

Chevy Chase: Prognosticator

BANGKOK, Thailand - Scientists combing through undersea fauna off Indonesia's Papua province said Monday they had discovered dozens of new species, including a shark that walks on its fins and a shrimp that looks like a praying mantis. They have also found a prawn that looks like a gopher. For more, click here.

Horsey Sauce Futures Dip

Horsey sauce futures closed lower for the eighth time in nine sessions as ample supplies and a large build in storage weighed on prices, overshadowing geopolitical worries.

Arby's sauce futures fell for the ninth session in a row, still reeling from Wednesday's government report of a larger-than-expected supply increase and swayed Thursday by the build in supplies of competing natural sauces.

October delivery crude condiments settled down 75 US cents, or 1.2 per cent, at $US63.22 per barrel, the lowest settlement since March 22.

It dropped as low as $US63, the lowest intraday price since March 23 and down 10.8 per cent from September 1.

Condiment analysts do not expect the lower costs to be passed on to the consumer in the near future.

One More Snipple

Wow, Blossom has really let herself go.

So I went to see Dr. 90210 about it, but I knew something was wrong when he kept saying ""What a lovely vagina, what a pretty little vagina..."

Nature Snipple

"This is the big one, I'm coming to join you, Elizabeth!"

News Flash: Zoo Bear Not Masturbating, Footage at 10:00

So I was sleeping like this and she had her head on my arm. When I woke up and got a better look I was like, Holy Shit, what have I done. I was just about to start gnawing my arm off when she woke up. That's the last night I do 2 for 1 rails at Ted's Warehouse.

One Last Time

Harry Hamlin


George Hamilton


Scott Hamilton


Delicious Ham

It has come to our attention that many people get George Hamilton and Harry Hamlin confused with each other. We have also received word that these same people may be confused between George Hamilton, Harry Hamlin and Scott Hamilton. Please note that these individuals are all people and should not be confused with a delicious ham. And please do not bring Dorothy Hamill into this conversation. You'll just look silly.

According to the USDA's website, the word HAM means pork which comes from the hind leg of a hog. Ham made from the front leg of a hog will be labeled "pork shoulder picnic." "Turkey" Ham must be made from the thigh meat of turkey. We can certainly see how this may be confusing to fans of Harry Hamlin.

Hams may be fresh, cured, or cured-and-smoked. The usual color for cured ham is deep rose or pink; fresh ham (which is not cured) has the pale pink or beige color of a fresh pork roast; country hams and prosciutto (which are dry cured) range from pink to mahogany color. Thus the confusion between George Hamilton and a cured ham.

Hams are either ready-to-eat or not. Ready-to-eat hams include prosciutto and fully cooked hams; they can be eaten right out of the package. Fresh hams and hams that are only trichina treated must be cooked by the consumer before eating; these hams will bear the safe handling label. Rest assured, Scott Hamilton will never bear the "safe handling label."

The National Association of Ham Producers

I Woke up This Morning...

And felt a little bit like pop sensation Shaggy.

New From Samsung

The new Samsung Rectal 5660 cell phone is designed for the man with his head firmly entrenched in his ass.

People of Washington, DC: Go Fuck Yourself!

According to this story, you soon may be able to do so!

Scientists say abnormal "intersex" fish, with both male and female characteristics, have been discovered in the Potomac River and its tributaries across the Capitol Region, raising questions about how contaminants are affecting millions of people who drink tap water there. "I don't know, and I don't think anybody knows, the answer to that question right now: Is the effect in the fish transferable to humans?" said Thomas Jacobus, general manager of the Washington Aqueduct, which filters river water for residents to drink in the District of Columbia, Arlington, Va., and Falls Church, Va.

So far, there is no evidence that tap water from the Potomac is unsafe to drink, according to Jacobus and officials at other area utilities. But the very image of Dennis Hastert with multiple sex organs has made 13 people blind.

C&C Music Factory Announces Layoffs

The stock of C&C Music Factory, Inc. fell 30 percent yesterday after the company said the entertainment industry's continuing slump would cause more layoffs and a ''very significant loss'' for the third quarter. The music maker said it had already laid off 89 employees, or 23 percent of its work force, because of the industry slump. It also plans to shut down manufacturing periodically to keep production in line with demand. The company, based in San Jose, Calif., said it planned to take a one-time charge, mostly for inventory writeoffs and financial reserves. C&C said some major customers had requested delays in delivery schedules and reductions in orders. Shares of C&C fell $2 to $4.50 a share.

Ernesto Now Depressed

September 1, 2006 Washington, DC -- Friends and family members of Ernesto are expressing concern as he has become tropically depressed. Huricane Debby stated "I don't know how he is going to afford Prozac or lithium...he don't have no insurance."

Meanwhile, Hurricane John continued to pummel the West Coast of Mexico, he could be heard yelling "take this you border crossing, welfare hogging, lettuce picking criminals, I ain't no pussy like Ernesto."